Dear Parker

Dear Parker,

I found this in my notes the other day while clearing out stuff on my phone.  I remember writing it, but I don't remember for what purpose.  Who knows, maybe I already posted it here for you.  Regardless if I am repeating my self or not, I loved reading it and hope that you will enjoy reading it too.  This is from May 7th, 2012....almost exactly 2 years ago.  Two years doesn't seem like much, but I can't even remember the last night you asked to sleep with me.

Whenever you hear the forecast and it calls for rain around bedtime, I know you will ask if you can sleep in my bed within 5 minutes of the weather report....even if it is the 7 day forecast, you will ask.  I hate it and love it at the same time.  I love our cuddle time and I know with every day you grow there is going to be less and less time of cuddles and hugs.  It breaks my heart to know that.  It's kind of like knowing that there is death.  It is inevitable but knowing its existence doesn't make it less sad and final.  Holding on to every cuddle or slumber party makes it easy to say yes.  The fact that you take over my space with your wildly long limbs and that you are essentially a small furnace, makes it impossible for me to relax and sleep.  

There was a time that you, my big boy, could fit between my arm pit and hips.  I would lay on my side with my arm out and you would curl your little body into a ball right between the right angle my arm made with my torso and the right angle my knees would make with my hip.  That was your spot every night.  It isnt a surprise that you are accustomed to sleeping next to me, I completely broke that parenting rule.  Of course, I kind of had to.  For a short time you had your own crib but around the age to two, I had to give it back to the giver.  So for the next two-ish years, we were bunk mates.  Teaching you to sleep in your own bed was difficult.  You are a pro now, but you still don't prefer it.

Here you are, next to me because it has been a rainy night...you have your bear and teddy dog. Picturing you being so small that you could nestle up against me seems so foreign.  I sometimes wish we could go back to you being small again, just for a visit, just for a moment.  I must get used to this feeling, it is one that I will always feel.  Being your parent is the best part of my life but it also bring the biggest reality check.  You are growing and will continue to do so for years.  That is a hard truth to swallow on the nights that I miss holding my baby boy.

Love,

Mommy