Dear Parker

Dear Parker,

This is going to sound a little strange but since I know you won’t have access to any of these letters to you until you are older, I know that it won’t scare you.  I had a bad dream the other night but it gave me a little bit of clarity of my life up to this point.

I dreamt that I was not your mom anymore.  I could not remember any details the next morning beside screaming that my purpose is to be your mom.  I don’t know who I was screaming at or how it came to be that I was not allowed to be your mom, but that brought my minute of clarity.  I know that you, in your young life, have more faith in a God than I do.  I know that you pray and that it brings you a bit of comfort when other things may not.  I am happy for that connection you have found so I know that you will understand that clarity was my purpose.  When you get older, people struggle to find their purpose in life or what the meaning of life may be.  I don’t think that we have a universal purpose and I don’t think it is stagnant.  I think that we have many purposes and it is fluid, because life is always changing.  But I know what my purpose is right now, and it will always be my purpose; to be your mom.

We have had our own unique struggles.  I should rephrase.  I have had unique struggles in parenting you.  Some are the same that every parent experiences but some are just ours.  I don’t think that there is anyone out there who could parent you like I am able to because I think I am the only one with this purpose.  I wish I could say that it was your dad’s purpose as well, and I am so sorry that it is not.  I will never know what that loss feels like for you, I will never understand your internal feelings to not having your biological father in your life.  But, it wasn't his purpose to parent you.  I think it is something that I am meant to do alone.  Well, at least this far into your life.  I always tell you we don’t know what the future will bring and I need to remind myself of that right now.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day, and although you were rather wound up all day and struggled listening to me, the gifts you made for me and the card you gave me are amazing.  I know how hard you worked on them and how proud you are of your work.  I am too sweetie.  You always and will always make me so proud.

There is no other purpose I would rather have than to be your mom.  You are my heart. 

I love you,

Mommy