Dear Parker

Dear Parker, Whenever you hear the forecast and it calls for rain around bedtime, I know you will ask if you can sleep in my bed within 5 minutes of the weather report......even if it is the 7 day forecast, you still ask.  I hate it and love it at the same time.  I love our cuddle time and I know with every day you grow that there is going to be less and less time of cuddles and hugs, it breaks my heart to know that.  It's kind of like knowing that there is death.  It inevitable but knowing its existence doesn't make it less sad and final.  Holding on to every cuddle or slumber party makes it easy to say yes.  The fact that you take over my space with your wildly long limbs and that you are essentially a small furnace, makes it impossible for me to relax and sleep There was a time that you, my big boy, fit between my arm pit and hips.  I would lay on my side with my arm out and you would curl you little body into a ball right between the right angle my arm made with my torso and the right angle my knees would make with my hip.  That was your spot every night.  It isn't a surprise that you are accustomed to sleeping next to me, I completely broke that parenting rule.  Of course, I kind of had to.  For a short time you had your own crib but at around 2 years I had to give it back to the person who had given it to me.  So for about the next two years, we were bunk mates.  Teaching you to sleep in your own bed was difficult.  You, of course, are a pro now....but you still don't like it! Here you are, next to me because it has been a rainy night....you have your bear and your teddy dog.  Picturing you being so small that you could nestle up against me seems so foreign.  I sometimes wish we could go back to you being small again, just for a visit, just for a moment.  I must get used to this feeling, it is one that I will always feel.  Being your parent is the best part of my life but it also bring the biggest reality check.  You are growing and will continue to do so physically and mentally for years beyond your physical growth.  That is a hard truth to swallow on the night when I miss holding my baby boy. I love you, Mommy