Dear Parker

Dear Parker,

Its been awhile.  A long while.

You have completed sixth grade and you are two days from turning 12.  You are only 1 inch shorter than me and you weigh 115 lbs.  You have all of your adult teeth and your hair has gotten thick and a little less blonde.  Your face has changed, not by much and not as noticeable to someone who hasn't seen you nearly every day since the moment you were brought into the world, but you look a bit older and a bit wiser.  Your sense of humor is developing along with your personality, mind, and body.  You love making everyone around you laugh with quick wit and sarcasm.  You are as kind as you have always been and continue to always think of others first.

You have had a turbulent last year of elementary school. There were a lot of downs with behavior but you are still looking forward to the next step without letting that hold you back.  You were accepted into Walnut Hills at the end of 2016.  I remember when you read the letter that stated you scored high enough on the admission test; you were out back shooting hoops and I brought the letter out to you. Every time I think about that moment I kick myself for not recording it.  But you read it out loud and when you got to the "your accepted" part, you looked at me with giant blue eyes and yelled "I PASSED! I GOT IN!" and the jumped for joy.  I will always cherish that memory.  The pride I could see in your eyes when you saw how well you did on those tests.  You rose above the anxiety and difficulties you face and persevered beyond them.  You have had mixed feelings about going there but now you have a positive outlook.  You have told me that you think the change from Montessori will be good.  That you are ready to have a different teacher for each class and moving around to new classrooms throughout the day.  Mostly, though I think you are excited about the honors Mathematics class you will be entering.  Math is something you have found a lot of joy in learning.  Which let me tell you, that makes me very happy considering it was not your Mom's favorite or easy topic.  You will continue with trumpet in the new school year as well.  Something that I hope you stay with until you end High School.  If there is one thing I miss from my time in high school, it is really only band.  I want you to find that throughout your next 6 years of school.  I never want you to miss high school as an entirety because it is such a small fraction of your life.  But find the thing that is important and make relationships there that you can cherish for a life time.  I think band is the only part of my high school experience the I recall and cherish the most, beyond some friendships that I made there.

You are (almost) a First Class Boy Scout now too.  You have done so much in the year since you crossed over from Cub Scouts to Boy Scouts.  You have always been an independent boy, but you have become more independent over the last year.  With Scouting and your adventures with Grandpa Jeff, sometimes I get a taste for what it will feeling like being the parent of an adult child.  Sometimes I am only a spectator in your life instead of a participant.  Which is so wonderful for you, but I have to admit, it is not easy when I think about how you are not yet 12.  Right now, in fact, you are somewhere in Montana, maybe Utah, with your Grandpa.  You have been away from home since Memorial Day and this is your first birthday away from home.  This is a very tough week for your dear ole mom.  I am so happy for the experiences that you are having, but a little jealous and a little homesick for my boy.  You bring a calmness to me and motivation.  But, your birthday is about you, not Mom, so I know you will have a wonderful day doing whatever you might do with your Grandpa.  Just as long as you remember to call me, I will be happy.

There are so many updates that I want to include just in case it is another 12+ months before I write you again but I fear rambling. I do need to point out that this is the season that I explained to you that your father is not the most upstanding citizen.  It was a hard time to tell you because I have always felt like I was lying to you when I did not tell you about his call or texts.  I know you won't see it that way when you are older and remembering this time, and that it is just guilt that I am feeling for his actions.  All of my decisions have only been to protect you and I think you understand that, even at 11.  During the entire conversation for you to understand who your father has become, you were concerned mostly for the feelings of Brandon.  You have come to see him as your Dad and you were worried that this new knowledge of your father would make him feel as though you feel less for Brandon, that you would feel stronger for your father, but I think, more than anything, knowing who your father is has made you feel stronger for Brandon and see how he is a strong and positive male role model for you and much more of a Dad and Father than you blood can ever be.  You will have questions the older you get and you will have different feelings about all of this the older you get, but right now, you are okay.  You are much better than I thought you would be after having the mature conversation that we had.  You have been able to take a step back and look at the bigger picture and I thank your entire family for the support that everyone has always shown you to be able to see that big picture.  I know that you still have a missing piece in your heart when it comes to your father, but I think that piece is shrinking each year that you grow.

I will be better about writing to you.  I actually told you about these letters not too long ago, so you know this exists for you but you are not yet old enough for access.  You will have to wait some more years before you can read my words to you over the years.  It is here for you though and I will do better at capturing the days and weeks as they pass.

I love you and you are and always will be my heart.

Love,
Mom