Dear Parker

Dear Parker,

Oh Parker.....I don't know where to start.  I am upset but not mad, more like disappointed in your behavior at school.  I have told you almost everyday that school is where you focus on your self, your own work and to not let other kids bother you or inturrupt your learning.  Recess is for playing, laughing and running....lunch is where you talk and share stories....the classroom is where you shut those other kids out of your mind and focus on yourself.  I know this is hard.  I was told every year by every teacher I ever had that I talked entirely too much.  I get that, I understand the temptation and how hard it is to not talk to your buddies.  But I listened and respected the authority that told me to stop.  Although they had to remind me a lot, if I was seperated from the class, it clicked in my head that that was enough.  Your teacher called me today.  You and the other little boy seem to get a rise out of being in trouble together.  You think that being scolded is part of the game.  You are very wrong.  I don't know how to tell your or show that you are wrong.  I know you love to entertain everyone but this kind of behavior not changing will result in you changing rooms.  I told you all of this today.  I don't know how much of it you get and have taken to heart.  I don't know how to make you see it either.  You are so much better than the way you are behaving at school.  I am very frustrated.

Whenever this happens I think of where I am failing you as a mother first.  You wake up too early and I know that....at this point in my life and career, there is no other choice.  I hate that you fell asleep this morning.  I wish you could be like the other kids and not have to go to work with me in the morning.  It won't always be like that, it will change, I just don't know when.  You are so tired much of the time and I know that it is because you are waking up earlier than most adults would want.  Sometimes I feel guilty that we are not home as much as we used to be.  I know it is tiring to pack and go to mr's but at the same time, I know that you are gaining from your relationship with him and from witnessing me in that kind of relationship.  You have never seen anyone love your mom before.  Having that in your life is so very important.  It is something that I did not know if you would have or not.  But again, it is hard for me to know where that fine line is where it is too much time away from home for you.  I know that I should let go of taking your behavior so personally, but that will take a lot for me to not do.  As you will learn about me, I take most things personally and especially the behavior that you demonstrate.

I am frustrated because I know the ability you have inside.  I know the determination you have to succeed and to "win."  You are competative, which is something we talked about the other day.  You now know the meaning of that word and you understand how it applies to your personality.  But you are not showing that at school.  It seems like you show a different side of your personality while you are there.  Is is because of your friend?  Is it because it is your fashion of rebelling because you are not ready for first grade material?  Is it your way of venting the frustration that you have with outside of school issues?  I wish we were reading this letter years from now reflecting together and you sharing the answers to my questions so that I could come back to right now and change/help/do whatever you need me to do that I can not see.

You had a very early bed time tonight for poor decision making.  Tomorrow will be better.  Tomorrow will better decisions will be made.  Tomorrow you will have had more rest.

I love you my dear sweet boy.  I love you greatly.  Sometimes you feel like I don't love you as much because I say no all the time, but I love you just as much then as every other minute of every other day.  Remember that.

Love,
Mommy